i hate how i can't put titles for my posts, and as a result, my archives look so messy. for some reason, blogger doesn't allow me to put titles. :(
@@@
happy belated birthday jingyi!!! sorry i can't be there to celebrate it with you. cheer up alright, dearie? will definitely pia rag with you when i return! arts rag rocks!
@@@
so many birthdays, and this year is suppose to be special for me. 21 - a step into adulthood. and i will be celebrating it away from home. it should be memorable.
i'm feeling pensive. or perhaps reflective is a much better word. i was here in UK 10 years ago. the person i was 10 years before is so different from the person i am now. back then, i was cheerful, full of hope and wishes for the future. full of love and trust for everyone around me. the person i am now? other than a dream for a future to hold on to, i haven't got anything else. i'm cynical, suspicious and i don't trust people. i certainly wish i wasn't so, but i can't help remembering events that happened in the past which made me the way i am today. these memories constantly haunt me. all the more so these few days cos people keep asking me why i am the cynic that i am, and i can't give an answer.
for the umpteenth time, i wish i could forget. i wish it hadn't happened. of all the people in the world, why me? it destroyed me, tore me apart and left me alone to pick up the pieces. and i am still struggling with myself now, to stay away from that deep black abyss. 10 years on, and i still cannot forget. 10 years - it sure has been a long time isn't it? so why am i still holding on to something i'm better off without?
i look at my elvyn richards friends and i can't help feeling envious. i wish i had the sort of openness they have, the carefree spirit, the camaraderie they share. the trust they have in each other, knowing that one could do shit and not have to worry about being left alone cos the rest are always there to help you. it has been so long since i've seen something like this, the sort of people who i am meeting here, in UK. and i am sorry that i wasn't who i am 10 years ago, to share it with them. dan said to me once that he is getting used to having me around, like i've become part of their group. and i feel sad that i can't always be part of this group, because at the end of it all, i will have to leave. and i can't be as open as them, as carefree as them, as trusting as them because i've been burned too many times to be able to open up to someone again. there is a fear, a suspicion which constantly hold me back. at times i feel like letting everything out, and then i catch myself. why?
why? a question i've asked so many times. why me? the only thing i ever really want in this life, i ever desire, is for that one person whom i could trust my entire soul with. the person could be male or female, someone older, someone my age or someone younger. it could even not be a person. just something. but i can't. i fear too much to put myself back out there again, in the firing range.
perhaps another 10 years down the road, i might have changed again? maybe 10 years later, i could come back here again, and see if i am any different from who i am today? 21: something supposed to bring you a new lease of life. but i am still haunted by the past.
-------------------A world Of PeaCe--------------- ; {6:14 PM}
